Not Dead ☠️, Just Divorced 💔

07.Nov.2023

I’ve been wanting to write a new post for quite a while, but life sort of got in the way, so to break the seal, here’s what’s transpired since my last post in December ‘22 until now:

January ‘23

• Partner and I get into a fight and I lay it all out on the table: This relationship is failing and it’s because of you.

• Move into a hotel for a while to process everything and conclude there’s no path forward in which we stay together.

  • I’d been setting times to discuss improving our relationship and having children since January ‘22, but they always put it off. In June ‘22, I told them it’s clear they don’t want to have these discussions and either it’s time to address it or call it quits. They say they’re committed to working it out and proceed to find excuses to travel for work for most of Summer and Autumn.

• Come home from hotel and talk to partner:

  Me: I know you want children, but I can’t have them with someone in your mental and emotional state, who won’t talk about their issues. Coupled with my illness, it’ll be a disaster and everyone will suffer.

  Them: If you don’t want children, then we’re done. Give me time to think it through and we’ll talk more.

February ‘23

• Move in with my parents and keep a low profile.
• After 3 weeks, I ask if partner had time to think and is ready to talk. They pull their classic switcharoo that what I saw and heard is false: I never said I needed time to think. I said it’s over and that’s it.

April ‘23

• We nail down the separation details.
  • They’ll stay in the apartment and pay the bills until they move out. I’m losing money by not being able to rent it out for significantly more, but that’s fine. I told the ex: I’m fine to not make money on the place, but I will not lose money or pay for you to stay there.
• Put down a deposit on a New York City apartment for a May 1 move-in. Let’s see if I can make a new life there.
• Spend the month whittling my possessions down to 2 duffle bags and a backpack. I have way more stuff than I thought!

May ‘23

• On the plane to NYC, find out the apartment was a scam. Deposit lost.
• Check into a hotel for the week and find a sublet in the Lower East Side until July.
• Spend the month in a euphoric haze. My body is there, but the soul hasn’t touched down yet.
• People start hearing about the split and all say the same thing: I’m not surprised.

June ‘23

• My soul arrives and I enjoy taking in all that NYC has to offer. It’s a lot of pizza.
• Spend 90% of the time blissfully alone, watching the city breathe and gyrate, while snapping pictures.¹

July ‘23

• Move to the next sublet in the Upper West Side until Sept 30.
• One day, my left shoulder and neck feel like I pulled a muscle.
• Wake up a few days and feel a bolt of lighting strike the back of my neck, between the shoulder blades. It takes my breath away and now I can’t lift or turn my head without screaming in pain.
• Days later, my whole left side starts feeling numb and tingly. Check the side effects of my Crohn’s medication and there it is: Guillain-Barré syndrome. ² Uh oh.
• Doctor says if the numbness gets worse, go to the hospital right away. If not, it’s a nerve issue but not an emergency. Luckily, it doesn’t progress. ³

August ‘23

• Get well enough to leave the apartment and walk around a bit.
• Meet someone who teaches yoga and attend a few of their classes. It seems to help my shoulder and neck. We talk before and after class.
• Start thinking about what’s next when the sublet ends September 30. If I can’t find a place, I’ll head back to my parent’s.
• Ask the yoga instructor out. They say let’s connect after Labor Day, when they’re back from the Hamptons.

September ‘23

• Shoulder and neck about 70% better.
• Reach out to yoga instructor and they never respond. I’m hurt, but they did me a favor. I don’t feel like dating at all right now anyways. Yoga studio subscription canceled.
• Friend comes to stay for a week. They have a good time, but hate walking everywhere (lol.)
• Look for a sublet from Oct 1 to Nov 15 to see the leaves and season change. They all want tenants October 1 to January. I’m not doing an NYC winter, so it’s back to the parent’s.
• Randomly meet a really amazing person at a coffee shop and spend 2 hours commiserating about life, relationships, personal struggles, etc. They guess my ex’s cultural/family background because they’re from the same. They confirm and validate all the things I felt about the ex’s behavior. Good to know I’m not crazy. It’s the perfect ending to the NYC experiment.

October ‘23

• Board the plane [^4] back to LA with a bittersweet grin, knowing that NYC is not for me. It feels like I failed for some reason.
• Shoulder & neck improve a little, but numbness the same.
• The LA weather and lifestyle is calm and beautiful. The days slide gently by with lots of sports-watching with dad.
• Start attending multiple meetings a week with a Zen Master and dig deeper into my practice.
• Babysit my dog and old house for a week while the ex travels for work.
  • It’s exactly how I left it, but devoid of feeling. I’ve lost any connection to it. I Don’t Live Here Anymore ⁴ provides the soundtrack for my stay.
• Accompany dad on a week-long business trip to boonies of Northern California.

November ‘23

• Prepare to hunker down for the holidays and enjoy time with friends and family.
• One parent has spinal surgery, convalescing for the next 3 months. Dad and I will take over all household duties, including cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

Footnotes